''Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.''— Stephen King

“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family."— Charles M. Schulz

”Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." — Gary Allan

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips

”I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou

”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." — Johnny Carson

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman

”It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.”— Milton Berle

“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” — David Letterman

”We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.” — Bill McKibben

“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson

”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge

”Christmas: It's the only religious holiday that's also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” — Samantha Bee

“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz

“I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” — Taylor Swift

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. — Bridger Winegar.

20. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

“You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

‘White Christmas' is the 'Bohemian Rhapsody' of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear

“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard

“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf

“Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser

“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry

“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White